Purple Crocodiles

A Letter to My 6 year old self……
……..You are beauty and love made of Angels pure light

Sweet little one, the Great Spirit is inside you, she’ll keep you safe from the storm. You are surrounded by an army and their waiting to be formed. Each one is an Angel with strong hearts to bare the pain.

Your mind is your power, it’s the one thing he can’t break. I’ll help you with this, now take my hand and I’ll show you. I know about a place we can go; Its a bedroom in the sea, made by the Angels and me. They have dragon ships that soar on cotton candy clouds. There’s fluffy pillows stitched by caterpillars toes; the cute little fellas, they work fast with their feet! The blankets are soft as a lamb and warm as the tea. This all comes from your mind, he can’t take it you see? There’s oceans of water to drink, you’re safe there, he can’t touch you. We have gate keepers on staff; there’s no way he can scratch you. Hold onto your mind and listen to me, purple crocodiles protect you in the drinkable sea.

Sweet darling, one thing I must tell you please listen. He’ll ask you to play a game, but it’s one you can’t beat. The Great Spirit is inside you, she’ll keep you safe from the storm. Hold onto your mind and listen to me, purple crocodiles protect you in the drinkable sea. Keep your mind focused and bright; you are beauty and love made of Angels pure light.

Love, Joan

The Face I Cannot Change

Written here are the True events of my life. I should be dead, there is no question, but I am here, I survived it all. I am Joan and I survived on Angels wings so I could write this for You. Blessings, Joan

A Letter to My Mother……
……..I’ve made myself from all the love you threw away.

I’m tightrope walking past the crowd that ignores my slipping grip. I’m barely holding on yet you refuse to see. I am invisible to you; look past, ignore what you see, that is how you justify your existence. I am here and you are there. I do Not matter to you. I am a memory, a distant memory that you can’t bring to focus. I am the rotten meat in your freezer. I am words on a tombstone, I am forgotten and unseen. Your love is kept within that tomb, a shroud of your convictions held so closely that you cannot breathe to see me stand before you. I am begging for your love, what have I done to deserve your disdain? Was it that I came into the world with her eyes? Measured you did, every step I took was measured against her. Never good enough for you. You hated my heart that beats, you hated my curls of gold that looked exactly as her. My twin, my blood, my arm ripped from my body, she meant everything to me, she was the only one who loved me. After her death I became the garbage you threw away. I reminded you too much of that pain, you couldn’t see it, not face it. My sister of cotton candy cheeks; my twin, the beat of my heart, you crushed it that the day you chose to drive drunk through that intersection. She was beautiful with curls of gold, sweet baby girl of 4 years. Thrown through the windshield, tumbled into space on hard pavement. Lights flashing, sirens screaming in my ears. I clutched to you in desperation, fear, confusion, terror. Blood pooled, her angel face destroyed at your hand. She was taken from this world because of you. You can’t admit it to yourself, you drink yourself to sleep and blame me in the morning. You wish I had died, measured against the evil in you. I survived that day, I walked away with only a small scratch but the wounds that followed have killed me slowly, painfully. You have killed me over and over with your fists, your words, your rejection. I was an angel baby face once too, can’t you see that. We were identical and you loved her, yet you hate me for the face I cannot change. I’ve made myself from all the love you threw away.

Love, Joan